Thursday, March 29, 2012

My Bittersweet Blessing

Alright so this is kinda like confession time so those of you that don't care to read about all of it then don't. Its cool. But I am going to talk about it anyways.

For those of you that don't know, don't care, or never knew it was true, I was 17 and pregnant. Along with that, thanks to the rumor mill, the baby had like 15 different fathers or supposed so I'm here to tell you that its not possible that it was anyone's other than my boyfriend's. And here's my story:

The Shock: I had gone to the doctor to get tested for Fifth's Disease (which is an awful disease that I will explain in a later post) because I was showing signs of having it when I had already had it two weeks before, which isn't possible. So they had to draw blood to test for that. The next day they called and told me that they didn't have the parvo (fifth disease) results but that I'm pregnant. Of course I was shocked because it was definitely unplanned and supposedly prevented. I told my boyfriend and we told our families and had a big meeting to discuss what we were going to do. Me and Austin had pretty much decided to keep it because neither of us believed in abortion or wanted our baby growing up without us and our families weren't happy about it but they supported us.

The Aftermath: So I changed my original plan on going to BGSU in the fall into going to Rhodes summer quarter and OSU Lima in the fall and got everything set up. Everything was all well and good.

The Tragedy: I went to St. Rita's and got pictures and got to hear the heartbeat but I had started bleeding which is generally bad. Told the doctor and he said it was no big deal. He said it was probably from working so much. Well then my mom, sister, and I went to the midnight premiere of the Hunger Games and I realized it had gotten so much worse. Mom and I rushed to the St. Rita's ER and trauma center at 11:45pm. We didn't get out until 6:15am on friday. The visit was pretty much pointless. We saw an ultrasound and this time we couldn't hear the heartbeat and they took a lot of blood. A couple days later I had to get more blood drawn and then a couple days after that and this afternoon they have finally said that I've miscarried and that the baby is probably gone. I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I have to go back in on Monday to get more stuff done but that is about it.

Confession: Since I found out I was pregnant I have been calling it a bittersweet blessing and its just weird to think its all over. I mean everyone keeps telling me how it's not my fault and that plenty of people miscarry but honestly, I don't wanna hear any of it. It's not them. I actually had one of my coworkers congratulated me which kinda makes sense since now I have a different future to look forward to. It royally sucks a lot to know that I lost my first child at the age of 17 but I know that now I have an opportunity to do something different with my life even if I was prepared to take on motherhood. Honestly, the thing that hurts the most is how frustrated I get knowing that so many drugged up, dead beat, mothers have had healthy, beautiful babies and I apparently wasn't' good enough. And it just kills me. But it happened and I'm getting through it...

Thanks: I'd kinda just like to thank the amazing people who have helped me through all of this. Obviously, my boyfriend, Austin, who has stayed by me and been absolutely amazing to me the whole time. My mom, who took me to all my appointments and been my support system the whole time. My dad and step-mom, Nikki, who have been there when I needed an outside source of comfort and support. Austin's parents, who were willing to do anything to help us get through college and everything else. My sister Bri, who has been absolutely amazing and laid with me more times then I can count when I'm bawling my eyes out in bed. My friends, who didn't judge me or throw me under the bus when I got the news and stuck with me and made me feel normal the whole time. My gayy, Austin, who brought me ice cream one night to make me feel better and has been just a great person to talk to about anything. My step dad, who tried to help when he had no idea how. My councilor, who turned out to be a great help in getting college and high school stuff set up.

The Future: So there's my story. I'm not sure what the future holds but I plan on going to OSU Lima and Rhodes like I had planned instead of BG and that's about it. The rest is uncertain...

Any questions, comments, stories, ect feel free to shoot me an email, Facebook message, twitter message, ect.

1 comment:

  1. This legit made me cry. You have some great support systems in your life and you will figure everything out. :)