Monday, August 13, 2012

I Can't Always Be Strong...


Warning: This is one of those me, venting my life problems. So I apologize in advance.

Well, I've been struggling. Plain and simple. For the longest time I didn't even know why I was unhappy or why I was just drowning my pain and dying to feel something. 

My friend, innocently, asked me one day, "Do you wish you were still having your baby?"

 Then I realized it. 

I was shocked because I guess no body had really asked about it. Like the first couple days after I miscarried people asked me how I felt and if I was okay but since then everyone just treated me like they had before. Which is how it's supposed to be since technically I was back to how it was before.

Right?



I thought so. Besides when Austin and I would grieve over it together late at night by ourselves or my GRADs teacher would apologize if she thought something would bother me, I've pretty much put it out of my mind for my own sake. I've shut it away, bottled it up, and shielded myself from feeling that pain of the loss. I only let myself feel it once or twice with Austin after it was all over and I can remember being doubled-over bawling because it just hurts so much. 

I said over and over that I was okay and it didn't bother me but I didn't realize that it was still there and it was just eating me inside and I was burying it and drowning it. When my friend asked me, it made my realize it and I've been trying to face it here lately. And it's literally killing me. 

Right now should be like 6 or 7 months pregnant. My baby was expected to be born on November 13th… exactly 3 months from today… I should be all huge and making all kinds of decisions for me and my baby and things should just be so much different. On one hand, I'm crushed because I wish this is how it was and not how it is now. On the other hand, I'm glad I don't have the stress of a baby and honestly, my baby deserves so much better then Austin and I could have provided for him/her.



But it sucks.

I'm torturing myself with all these thoughts and worse part of all is that I still blame myself. Every single day. Everyone has told me how it's not my fault and there is nothing I could've done but I can't help but go through every single "what if" and "if I had done" in the book just ripping myself apart…. 

I mean I know I shouldn't but I do and I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm just going around and around in my head and I'm just so miserable and I wish I could just be normal and happy. I feel like I'm stuck in this rut where I'm not in the adult world with a kid but I can't go back into the teenage world without a care. I'm just stuck. And I hate it. And I don't know where to go from here… 

2 comments:

  1. I dont know how you feel or anything because I've never been in your situation at all. All I know is you don't just have to vent on here, Court. I have a cell phone you can text me or you can always have me come over & listen in person. You're allowed to feel everything that you do right now but bottling it up isn't good. Let it out like you did on here a bit. There's plenty of us that are always up for listening just like you're always up for listening to us. Stay strong,hun... I love you!

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  2. any time you need to talk, vent , punch some one in the arm (but not to hard i bruise easy)i am here for you! i don't care if its 3am, 1am what ever i am here for you any way i can be. Your like a sister, daughter, best friend , partner whatever we are :) I love ya!

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