Thursday, August 23, 2012

A Little Bit of Whining Then Some Inspiration

Obviously, I've been a little MIA on the posting lately.

So, I started fall semester on Wednesday and let me just tell you, I fail at college. Amazingly, I did make it to my first 8am math class on time, which is astounding because I hate math and mornings, just to find out that the professor is hardcore strict and angry. On top of that, the class is so ridiculously easy I was bored to death. All my classmates are way older and half of them can't even operate a calculator. Legitly. It was awful. Plus there are like 50 problems a night for homework on top of a graded worksheet and a quiz every week. Did I mention I hate math?


After suffering through that, I had a couple hours to chill before going to my history class which wasn't terrible except for the fact that I have a paper due next week over a book I don't have or have read. Total, I have 5 papers to write and 5 books and a textbook to read to get done for this semester. Ugh.

Then I had a three hour chem lab which only lasted about 2 hours and was just getting stuff set up and wandering around the lab. Pretty easy. Lab reports are gonna be a breeze too apparently.

Chem lecture turned out to be really easy too minus the extreme list of assignments I gotta do for the semester. The professor is super cool though so I'm excited to see how it goes.

Overall, I can tell this semester is gonna be challenging... I have so much to do and I'm already behind cuz none of my books have come yet... I'm excited though because I think I get do this and still manage to work all the time and not die. We'll see though.

Now for some inspiration!




Have a good Friday readers! 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Vacation - Day 7



Dad wanted to get up early so he drug us outta bed at 8:30am annnnnnd I (like usual) didn't go to bed until 4am so that kinda sucked a lot. Got to have breakfast at Ponderosa then went to the flea market for some browsing. It was pretty cool. Then we got to make the two hour drive to Clearwater Beach.





It was beautiful and great time to work on my tan some more. We were there for a couple hours before heading over to my dad's friend's condo to hang out and eat some pizza. We had some great conversations about car wrecks and IPads. So all and all another really great day. Unfortunately, I'm currently packing my stuff cuz we gotta be out of our condo by 10 am.

Brightside, I'm happy to be going home to my roommates and friends. Downside, I'm gonna miss Florida and the relaxation.

Vacation - Day 6

The family went out to take an air boat ride on the swamp and to an amusement park called Fun Spot. I decided I wasn't much interested in joining them so they dropped me off at the resort pool. I laid out to work on my tan for an hour or so before heading back to the condo to shower and pay some bills.

Lazy day. Thats about it. I did get Chik fil a for dinner though. So another good day in Florida (:

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Wishlist Wednesday


1. Sequin PINK hoodie - so cute
2. Starbucks Tumbler - I definitely need one of these for college
3. Justin's boot - love love love
4. White 8g IPod Touch Current Generation - to replace my Iphone
5. Camera - Much needed for my picture taking needs
6. Fifty Shades of Grey - I wanna know what the hype is all about

Happy Wednesday!

Vacation - Day 5


Slept til 2pm today since I didn't go to bed until 9am (darn emotions...) then headed to Arabian Nights dinner theatre at 4. However, we get down to the van and realize we locked both the room keys in the room so we have to go the main office to let them know and still make it to the theatre by 4:30. We did. With my father's excellent driving of the van. 

Dad got us the VIP experience so before the show we got to tour the stables and the little ones got pictures with the horses and acrobats. 




The show was amazing. Classical story of a princess trying to find her prince while you get to watch all kinds of really impressive and beautiful horse acts. Another show I highly recommend.

Vacation - Day 4


After getting up at like 10:30am we headed to have breakfast/lunch at Golden Corral which was delicious. Then we were off on another day of hard core shopping. Another outlet mall with stores like Victoria Secret (yes I drug my dad in there. lol), Wet Seal, Nike, Addis, Converse, ect.


Isn't my daddy cute? (:

After shopping for most of the day we hit Al Capone's dinner theatre at 6pm. The show was great. It's a very audience oriented show with a great sense of humor. It was absolutely hilarious and I loved it. Highly recommend if you're in the Orlando area. 

Tattoo Tuesday








Happy Tuesday readers! :)

Monday, August 13, 2012

I Can't Always Be Strong...


Warning: This is one of those me, venting my life problems. So I apologize in advance.

Well, I've been struggling. Plain and simple. For the longest time I didn't even know why I was unhappy or why I was just drowning my pain and dying to feel something. 

My friend, innocently, asked me one day, "Do you wish you were still having your baby?"

 Then I realized it. 

I was shocked because I guess no body had really asked about it. Like the first couple days after I miscarried people asked me how I felt and if I was okay but since then everyone just treated me like they had before. Which is how it's supposed to be since technically I was back to how it was before.

Right?



I thought so. Besides when Austin and I would grieve over it together late at night by ourselves or my GRADs teacher would apologize if she thought something would bother me, I've pretty much put it out of my mind for my own sake. I've shut it away, bottled it up, and shielded myself from feeling that pain of the loss. I only let myself feel it once or twice with Austin after it was all over and I can remember being doubled-over bawling because it just hurts so much. 

I said over and over that I was okay and it didn't bother me but I didn't realize that it was still there and it was just eating me inside and I was burying it and drowning it. When my friend asked me, it made my realize it and I've been trying to face it here lately. And it's literally killing me. 

Right now should be like 6 or 7 months pregnant. My baby was expected to be born on November 13th… exactly 3 months from today… I should be all huge and making all kinds of decisions for me and my baby and things should just be so much different. On one hand, I'm crushed because I wish this is how it was and not how it is now. On the other hand, I'm glad I don't have the stress of a baby and honestly, my baby deserves so much better then Austin and I could have provided for him/her.



But it sucks.

I'm torturing myself with all these thoughts and worse part of all is that I still blame myself. Every single day. Everyone has told me how it's not my fault and there is nothing I could've done but I can't help but go through every single "what if" and "if I had done" in the book just ripping myself apart…. 

I mean I know I shouldn't but I do and I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm just going around and around in my head and I'm just so miserable and I wish I could just be normal and happy. I feel like I'm stuck in this rut where I'm not in the adult world with a kid but I can't go back into the teenage world without a care. I'm just stuck. And I hate it. And I don't know where to go from here… 

Animal Monday









Happy Monday readers!! :)